Suicide, memories on a rainy day

I had a dream last month about a couple people I knew in school. It was people I had actually cared about and tried to keep up on. Today I found out one of them committed suicide around the same time I was having the dreams, during Wizard of Oz practices. I hadn't been to the website in a while.... Another friend contacted me because he thought I would want to know. I have been crying or numb since.

I will never understand all the factors that lead someone to take their own life. I know I have been through many things sometimes wondering if I should continue to live. I know there were times growing up I thought it might be easier to be dead, gone... I know after being stalked, raped, beaten up and left for dead on my own doorstep I could have attempted it. I drank a lot back then to get rid of the nightmares. I turned things around and decided it would be better for me to help others and be there for those who needed help through trying times. To show those pedophiles and rapists that I am stronger than they are. That I can make something of my life, my love, my way... To stand up to my abusers, family and not, and say you can't treat me this way any longer...

This man was the most amazing drummer I had ever heard play. I met him in 2nd grade and he loved his drums. In 5th grade he got permission to play a small (maybe 2 or 3 songs) set for us on the last day of school. I only remember Alice Cooper's School's Out and thought how fantastic this was, I knew he would be famous or in a famous band someday. He was.

Maybe his death has brought to mind all the pain and torture this world can bring down on us...maybe how short life can be....maybe it is the thought I never got to thank him or tell him how I appreciated how kind he was to me in HS when he could have easily been a jerk like so many others. How much I loved that he got to be our drummer for Show Choir or how much his kindness in classes meant....

Maybe it just reminds me of others I have lost to things that make no sense... Aids/HIV....drunk drivers....murder......overdose of drugs.... Or things that are at least understandable like heart attacks, but that happen too soon....

I have spent a lot of time crying, it just hurts. Maybe it is just the "old soul" in me coming out, maybe it is just sad....but on a rainy day like today, all the painful hurts are oozing to the surface hoping to be washed away by the drops...